On a coaching call I had with a client a while ago, we talked about what was holding him back from creating what he wanted in his life.
“I think I have a fear of being myself in the world,” he told me.
This is a very common fear; I’ve heard it alot. As a matter of fact, I have done work myself on this very issue. Oftentimes, this particular issue stems from a fear of not being liked or accepted. We spend time pleasing others, putting our own happiness down near the bottom of the list. We (particularly women) have been trained by our parents and by schools and our society to do for others, to take care of others, to make others happy.
So, here’s a question: Hmmm … what if we were to make ourselves happy, too?
What if we were to please ourselves in the same way we please others?
This might create a conundrum for some of you, because in pleasing yourself you would likely NOT be pleasing someone else. Correct? So, what to do about that?
I totally get that this is an issue. And here’s my suggested, gentle solution: please yourself more than you are right now. Begin taking action steps by first deciding that you are worth pleasing. That’s a big decision for some, I realize, and can be fraught with worry.
“If I please myself and someone gets mad at me, what do I do?” Good question. What would you do? Apologize and go back to pleasing them? If you do that, then how will that help you step into the world more powerfully, more authentically?
You see, this is what I mean by deciding that you are worth pleasing. You will have to decide that it’s OK if they get mad. You will have to decide that it’s OK that they want you to do for them. And it’s OK for you to decide that you choose to not do for them because you cannot do for them and you at the same time.
Don’t we all want people to do for us? It’s nice, isn’t it? So there’s nothing wrong with someone wanting you to do for them, just as there’s nothing wrong with doing for them. The challenge is when what you’re doing is off balance, and you are doing for them far more than you are doing for you.
OK, so back to deciding. You will have to decide that it’s OK for them to have whatever reaction they have. You get to take care of yourself and you get to make yourself happy. It’s your life.
Now, here’s the interesting thing: when you are happy, you are creating more happiness in the world. You have enough juice to spread around to those you love, and you are giving from a space of love and generosity rather than from resentment and “should do”. BIG difference.
Your Action Steps:
- Get clear about what makes you happy. Write down at least 10 things.
- Decide that you’re going to give yourself permission to be happy each and every day. Promise yourself you will DO at least three things on that list every day. SCHEDULE them in until you are confident that you will not go back to your old habits of putting yourself last.
- Get present to the conversations you have (your thoughts and beliefs) that say “It’s not OK for me to be happy.” Why isn’t it OK? Who said so?
- Use EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) tapping on those beliefs until they no longer have a negative charge.
- Affirm to yourself that “It’s ok for me to be happy.” “I love being happy.” “I can give more when I’m happy.” Notice where these affirmations are coming true for you.
- Congratulate yourself when you have spent a day happier than you would have been in the past! WOOHOO! Celebrate it!
Now go have fun and create your Divine Happiness! You deserve it! (And know that your loved ones want that for you, too.)